This week… Procras10ation Episode 10 – The One Where We Prequel All Over The Place. We start our push to analyze the Star Wars Cinematic Universe. This week we deal with the prequels, Those movies that divided the fans and apparently ruined some peoples childhoods.
Daniel renames Jason’s Laura: The Whisperer
Penelope The Podcast Puppy has gone on strike and is taking a union break.
Daniel does an imitation of Ralph Garman doing an imitation of Harrison Ford.
Daniel loses Geek Points for being a sports guy over a true Star Wars geek. Daniel has negative 6 Geek Points.
The guys geek out about their opening experiences with the Star Wars universe.
Shout out to Jason’s college friends: Shawn and Chris. We watched the wide-screens side-by-side to see what had been cut off.
Daniel watched the movies on LaserDisc – yeah, he is old too. Daniel’s step-dad had geek tendencies apparently, he got movies on LaserDisc for his movie collection.
Grease 2 is a visual an auditory abortion. And Jason is not a fan of Michelle Pfeiffer.
The John Williams Procras10ation episode has been predicted.
Jason doesn’t hate the Prequels – and he is ok if he lost geek points for it. But they might be the reason that George Lucas should not be allowed to direct ever again. Though it doesn’t matter because he has a Scrooge McDuck size pool of money.
Liam Neeson’s cock has made another appearance. We think that is two episodes in a row.
For Jason Harrison Ford and Han Solo are the same person. Henry Indy Solo Ryan.
Jason hates on the Lord of the Rings movie a little bit.
Jason is going to predict the ninth Star Wars movie.
Daniel is chastized about making fun od Joey Fatone. Anyone that is a friend of BQQuinn is a friend of ours.
Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Release Date: May 19, 1999 – Director: George Lucas
Jason went opening night. Daniel went the night after.
Glimpses of shit that would happen in the original trilogy.
Jedi Pussy Trick? How did Anakin’s mother get pregnant? It went a little too Mary and Joseph.
Fucking JarJar Binks
Some of the races were a little racist. The Trade Federation was Asian. The Gungans were African… kind of. Lucas should have stepped back from that.
The Galactic Senate had Wookies and the ETs. The ETs pissed Jason off. Do you know what a Wookie would do to ET. Chewbacca would skull-fuck an ET. Daniel wanted to have worked the ETs into the movie. Jasonw ould have thrown a fit.
Episode 1 does have the best lightsaber duel ever! All the fanboys needed new pants. Ewan McGregor and Ray Park trying to beat the hell out of each other at the end of the movie.
The Original Trilogy had a lot of the abuse of the handicapped.
The pod race was auditory gold.
Daniel liked the underwater city of the Gungans and the underwater canyon run.
The Trade Federation piece just kind of got dropped.
Jake Lloyd is a piece of shit as an actor.
Snoke is Max Rebo… just saying.
Episode II: Attack of the Clones
Release Date: May 16, 2002 – Director: George Lucas
This is Daniel’s least favorite.
Padme has more stuff to do and Natalie Portman is a good actress but this is not a good script and even worse directing.
We get to meet Jango Fett and we don’t care. We get to see Boba Fett as a kid and we don’t care.
Yoda Fight is a highlight. From the point that Padme and Anakin land on Geonosis to the end of the movie. That is the highlight. The machinery at the battle at the end of the movie is perfect. We almost like the Jedi arena battle.
We want to see Sean Connery in the Qui Gon Jinn role. He and Ewan McGregor running around the galaxy.
The fight scene between Count Dooku and Anakin sucked. It looks like the fight scene just wasn’t going to work so they have the red and blue lights fighting each other.
We have to have the foreshadowing of Anakin losing a hand to foreshadow the Luke hand loss. Didn’t need it because Obi Wan takes care of that in number three as well.
Daniel may have switched Jason into hating this movie as much as he does.
The big drawback is Hayden Christensen who cannot act. At all. No soul. No depth.
Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
This is Jason’s third least favorite. This is 7 out of 9 in the list of released Star Wars movies.
Daniel is sad because the Jedi kids died. Jason wanted to actually see them getting cut up. This scene had to happen so that you could see that turn of Anakin Skywalker to the Darth Vader.
Order 9-3/4 is the order that killed the Jedi.
Daniel owes everyone a beer – thank you Stone Cold.
The things that Jason didn’t like all involved Hayden Christensen.
The final fight was awesome until Anakin opened his mouth. McGregor is emoting like a madman but Christensen can’t do it so Obi-Wan is going over the top to make up the difference. McGregor wiped the walls with Christensen when it came to lightsaber dueling and acting.
This week… Procras10ation Episode 9 – The One Where Daniel Gets Scrooged and Dumber. We are recasting some movies, again. You know because we have the ability to not only recast movies, movies but apparently make them as well. This week Daniel is at the helm of the casting agency.
Crazy Asian game show on lube covered stairs. Jason wants them to be naked.
We reminisce over MXC and Wipeout. We love those shows.
Jason has never seen Mulan all the way through. Daniel can sing the songs.
Daniel wants to be Goofy or Chewie at Disney World.
Jason wants to run the Jungle Boat ride or drive a water taxi. If he is on the water taxi he wants to still have the gun from the Jungle Boat ride.
Jason also wants to retire and drive a Duck Boat in Boston. Daniel is afraid of the snow and the cold.
Jason is calling on Daniel to recast African Queen and Casablanca. With Wynona Judd in the role of Rick in Casablanca.
Kevin Hart and The Rock in Dirty Dancing.
Jason wants Daniel to watch Christmas Vacation with his daughter.
Go watch Jim and Andy. Not a huge Kaufman fan but he was a really talented performance artist.
Penelope the Podast Puppy has finally made her appearance.
This is not a scene for scene remake so these actors get to make it their own. Of course, there will be some things that just have to be in the movie – the rant at the end for sure.
Director: That role is up for grabs. Jason wants Bobcat to direct.
Re – Cast:
Frank Cross – Nick Offerman – His delivery as Frank Cross would be amazing. The fourth wall break at the end of the movie would be exceptional. We really want to see Nick Offerman in the dog costume.
Claire – Heather Graham – Good actress. She is a little older so she would fit with Offerman. She would be perfect opposite, Offerman. She is also truly funny and could make the role her own.
Elliot Loudermilk – John C Reilly – He works on that edge of crazy so that he could reprise the shotgun scenes at the end of the movie. Jason has suggested John Mulaney – him playing drunk would be cool.
Brice Cummings – Jon Hamm – Jon FUCKING Hamm – He would perfect in this role. Jason wants him to be Cyclops.
Lew Hayward – Liam Neeson – He gets to be Offerman’s mentor and the starter of all the magic. Go to Neeson’s Cock. Jason says that Bill Murray should come back and play this role as a handoff to Offerman.
Ghost of Xmas Past – Samuel L Jackson – This movie is officially a hard R at this point.
Ghost of Xmas Present – Tina Fey – I want her blowing on Offerman’s hair abs and then spitting hair.
Dumb and Dumber
Jim Carey has lost his mind so we need to have a glimpse back into the past and see Dumb and DUmber remade.
Director: The Farrelly brothers come back to direct.
Lloyd – Jimmy Fallon & Harry – Justin Timberlake – These two together would be amazing. They would have to rewrite the script a little to make it work. Timberlake could rock the character without too many changes. Lloyd has to change a little but you still keep the Dumb and Dumber-ness. Potentially this becomes a musical.
Mary – Zooey Deschanel – Another singer added to the group. This is for sure a musical now.
Joe Mentalino – Jonah Hill – We haven’t seen Jonah Hill play the bad guy so this could be something new.
JP Shay – Gwen Stefani – She can sing and she was a bit of a badass. Jason wants P!nk and has a little bit of a crush on her. Jason also wants to throw in Melissa McCarthy. Stefani with the breeze in or breeze out. Or maybe Vince Vaughn dressed as Gwen Stefani. And then Daniel disses on Fairuza Balk the podcast is over.
Sea Bass – Dwayne The Rock Johnson – Just to see Timberlake kick the door open and knocking The Rock out. Triple H, Stone Cold, Shawn Michaels, and Mick Foley are his friends around the table.
Assassin’s Creed – The whole damn series. The Abstergo side sucks and the stories have too much future stuff that doesn’t matter. Jason really digs the early versions of AC so that he doesn’t have to work at the games. He just wants to enjoy the story.
Bat Man Arkham Series – One and Two are amazing and 3 kinda sucked – the story just fell apart.
No Man’s Sky – Laura calls it the most expensive screensaver ever. Boring, beautiful game that was just too big.
Were the stories of the games of our youth really any good. The stories were not deep but they were enough to make it work. Jason calls for an x-rated version of the Mario Brothers movie – Bob Hoskins railing Princess Peach. All of the games of our youth were about saving the princess. Pacman had no story. Atari games had no story.
Far Cry great stories and very weird and interesting.
Just Cause good story and different.
Fall Out – the whole series.
New discussion about r-rated an x-rated video games. GTA 5 has topless hookers. And apparently, in God of War you have to pleasure Aphrodite with some button mashing madness.
There is a game that Jason played where you get a perk f you sleep with your mate. If you know what this game is please leave it in the comments below.
Does anyone really care about Mega Man beside cosplayers that cosplay as Mega Man. And we have nothing against Cosplay – shout out to Ivy Doom Kitty. Don’t care about Mega Man or about Zelda andLink. The last one Jason played was on the N64. When Daniel played Zelda he renamed Link Derrick.
Jason relates playing FF7 in college with a one hand rpg controller and then forgets what he is talking about. And the story never happens.
Mega Man had no story. Daniel claims that it did. He thinks he knows the names of the bad guy.
We do call for a Mega Man porn parody. All the bosses are female and his arm cannon is a huge vibrator.
We want free games with pay to play options on the inside. If we are going to have to pay for DLC then make the original game cheaper.
Jason proclaims the 10-Mini-tation as an upcoming thing. It is going to happen.
This week… Procras10ation Episode 7 – The One Where Jason Goes to Oz with Frankenstein. We are recasting some movies. You know because we have the ability to not only recast movies but apparently make them as well. Trust me though this is one hell of a recast.
Penelope has made her debut early in this episode.
Spiderman we like Tobey Maguire until number three even though he was 73 when he made them. And we have rehashed or re-imagined the spiderman universe three times in succession.
Batman numerous times, again in succession. Keaton, Kilmer, Cloney, Bale, Affleck.
Jason’s Re-Imaginings of:
The Wizard of Oz
Direct homage using modern technology. The actors don’t have to have the same mannerisms but otherwise, it is a shot for shot remake of the Oz of old. There will be a lot of green-screen and a lot of optical effects as well.
Director: That role is up for grabs
Re – Cast:
Dorothy – Millie Bobby Brown – I don’t know if she can sing but I think she would be fantastic.
Frederick Frankenstein – Ryan Reynolds – He is the straight man and then the funny guy. You give him the little pencil mustache. Daniel doesn’t think that Gene Wilder was pretty enough to be a leading man.
Igor – French Stewart – He might be dead but if not he would be good in the role of French Stewart. Let him squint the whole time. Wait it is not French Stewart… It is ACTUALLY: Charlie Day! Funny as hell. And he would be great opposite Ryan Reynolds. If Rowan Atkinson was still alive he would be the pick. And I thought about Katt Williams as Igor. And then Jason spins off to an African American Young Frankenstein with Dave Chappelle as Frankenstein.
Inga – Almost Blake Lively – Christina Hendricks – Her doing the same lines as Teru Garr would be great
Yeah, I know Jumanji had already dropped when this pod dropped.
Rock and Sock connection gets
We are pitching a new show for Stone Cold and Teddy Fowler – Stone Cold’s Blazer.
Top 5 Wrestlers
Sting and Brett Hart – Tied for number one. Brett Hart – technician and wrestling personified. Sting rocks a gimmick like nobody’s business. They shared the same finisher. Both rocked the wrestling world. Sting the author of the auto-docu-bio-pic.
Stone Cold Steve Austin – He is probably in his own category. He is immortal. He changed wrestling and invented a new type of archetype. He had some BAAAAAD Gimmicks.
The Rock – The most electrifying man in all of entertainment. The look, the mic skills, the whole package. There were some bad gimmicks in The Rock’s past. We might know a little too much abouThe Rock – Go – Dwayne Johnson.
Hulk Hogan – Amazing physical specimen. Huge. He had the charisma to keep the whole crowd suck in. The Real American Music would hit and the crowd would go crazy. It was Hulk Hogan on Wrestling and Hulk Hogan’s Rockin Wrestling for a cartoon. Wrestle Mania 3 slamming Andre the Giant.
Jeff Hardy and the Hardy Boys in general. “Come out of the shadows Lita and show us the Whale Tail.” The resurgence of the tag team and these guys were off the chain. High-flyer extraordinaire. Jeff Hardy against the Luchas. Punky Gothic look. Broken crack head Matt Hardy with an X-Men reference.
Rowdy Roddy Piper – All out of gum and ready to kick ass. Hot Rod was one of the best ever. He and Brett Hart had one of the best runs against each other ever. Started wrestling before he turned 16. Faught Mr. T in Wrestlemania 2 or 3. Was Hulk Hogan’s heel he is what pushed Hogan over the top. Maybe the best Talker ever! They Live – Hell Comes to Frogtown.
The Undertaker – He should almost be in his own category. His gimmick scared the shit out of me as a kid. Paul Bearer looked like a child molester. Daniel is banned from doing that impersonation ever again. The Phenom.
Mick Foley – ManKind – Dude Love – Cactus Jack – I didn’t know if I liked him or not when I first saw him as ManKind but he is one of the best. Barbwire, tacks, and c-4.Hell In A Cell with Taker. Ear torn off in a match with Vader. Smart guy, great writer, weird Santa connection.
Ric Flair – He carried all of those regional shows on his shoulders for a long time. Flair was an amazing wrestler. Whenever he took the ring you knew what the sequence of events was going to be. He was going to get on his knees and beg. He was going to take the turnbuckle flip. He was going to chop the crap out of someone. He was gonna get a lot of ‘color.’ Hair the color of Santa Claus’s robe.
Kevin Nash – Big Sexy Kevin Nash. Diesel his own self. The Great and Power Oz. Vinnie Vegas. Some really bad gimmicks and he was not the best wrestler but he has charisma out of the yin-yang.
Lita – extraordinarily bad ass.
Andre the Giant
Ron Simmons – Part of Doom, Faarooq, and the APA – DAMN!