Bad Movies – Bad Puns: But Great Company

Back in the stone ages before we had streaming services like Hulu, Netflix, or even YouTube, we had these primitive devices called DVDs and actually had to have the disc in a physical machine that, after the viewing, you had to TOUCH and change it by hand… I know, I know we may as well have been viewing cave paintings….Oh, I forgot to mention most weren’t even high res.

When all this was going on and my wife and I were just dating, we found that we both had a love for bad movies and those dollar bins held gold for us. We would show up for date night with another terribly wonderful movie to subject the other one to hoping to enlist groans of disgust and the eventual question of, “you actually like this? I can’t believe you paid money for this.”

One of the first I stuck with was Mother, Jugs and Speed (IMDB rating of 5.9/10 Rotten Tomatoes 50%) and it is terrible in all the ways that only the 70’s can provide. Yes, I know, Bill Cosby is in it and I find it ironic now with all the drug use references, but this was before all the allegations that we all make easy pudding pop jokes about now. With Harvey Keitel, Raquel Welch, and Bill Cosby this had some big names of the times…. they might have spent a little more money on writers though.

After the opening shots from me, the future love of my life went right for the jugular with Rockula (IMDB 5.5/10 RT 51%) about a “teenage” vampire that can’t lose his virginity due to a curse. OK, I’ll be honest, besides the scenes with blues legend Bo Diddly my brain went kind of numb watching this. Put out in 1990 it has that 80’s camp that was so popular with Ski School ….WAIT A MINUTE the same guy plays the lead in both of these. I smell a conspiracy… Toni Basil plays the vamp mom with an un-natural love for her son and has some strange dance scenes and there was something about a rhinestone peg-legged pirate killing someone with a ham bone.

Losing the last round, I knew my next choice had to be something that would truly make her cringe but the rules (that we made up as we went along) said that it had to be a real film. Nothing straight to home video, so that ruled out all of my Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen kid detective movies. So I went with that 1997 classic The Pest (IMDB 5.0/10 RT 9%). What do you mean you’ve never heard of it? All right, most people haven’t and neither had she. John Leguizamo brings most of the voices in his head to life with this terrible story about being a Miami con man who agrees to be hunted for cash. There is bad acting, terrible jokes with worse rapping, and nothing redeemable about this movie at all…..It’s one of my favorites.

After the last round, I thought I had her on the ropes but she struck back with yet another vampire, no not the sparkly one….a tan one. Love at First Bite – 1979 (IMDB 6.1/10 RT 67%) stars George Hamilton, who has so many bad acting credits to his name it really makes this one a standout, that she chose it. As Count Dracula in a spoof he is forced out of his home and comes to New York City in search of a bride. This one was bad folks but had me laughing quite a bit and all these years later we still find ourselves quoting it and she often says, “It’s the only tan vampire movie out there as long as you don’t count Blackula.”

With one last shot at the title of I went with a cult classic guaranteed to make people’s skin crawl. Combining bad acting with childhood fears is Killer Klowns from Outer Space – 1988 (IMDB 6.1/10 RT 71%) this camp filled circus tent is as bad as the name sounds and throwing one of her own cards against her they even drink blood, all be it from crazy straws, from victims cocooned in cotton candy. Giant klowns, little people klowns, and balloon animals that hunt you down so the klowns can kill you with man eating popcorn how could I lose? ……She loved it. No groans, no sighs, and then she wanted to watch it again….she is the perfect woman for me.

After learning of our mutual klown love. I thought nothing of her last choice. Surely she would choose something we could share like our last film. I never knew that I could be so very wrong or how bloodthirsty my future bride could be when winning (at a later date I would learn that it is winning at anything) was at stake even if no stakes had been named.

The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai:  Across the 8th Dimension – 1984 (IMDB 6.4/10 RT 70%) No you didn’t read that wrong and your brain didn’t have an aneurysm but I almost did after being subjected to this. With an all-star 1980’s cast like Peter Weller, Jeff Goldblum, Christopher Lloyd, and John Lithgow how bad could it be? Answer…really bad. Few movies have ever made me WTF more and I think my wife laughed more at my reactions than the re-watching of one of her  favorites and dear God I’m in love with someone who could love this….(I will not cry, I WILL NOT CRY)

To this day she likes to bring up my reactions to this movie and if, sometimes…..just maybe I’m getting on her nerves or annoying her a little too much she will threaten to put in on again…on continuous play and hide the remote. I love the woman, married her and we have two beautiful children together but I never knew she was so evil…..the red hair should have tipped me off.